Sometimes I cry in public places. Not intentionally, of course, but sometimes I just can’t help it. Grief is a weird thing. My grams passed away over two years ago and I still have days where it’s as though it happened just yesterday.
I’m sitting here in Starbucks trying (and failing) to blink back tears because I was just rocked by a memory so vivid that I don’t even know what to do with myself. It wasn’t even a memory, really – it was a smell. A woman walked by me and, I swear, she smelled just like her. Lavender – that’s what grams smelled like. She always wore lavender-scented lotion.
So here I am in Starbucks, vividly surfing through memory after memory, remembering things I haven’t thought about in years.. Crazy how a simple smell can take you back like that. I think what really got to me was the fact that I forgot. I forgot that she smelled like lavender. Even as I’m writing this, I realize it sounds like a silly thing to be upset about – like, why am I crying… but I guess I’m just a little shocked that I could just forget parts of her like that.
The experience of losing someone so close to me has definitely been a journey. I’ve never missed someone so much in my life. But I can’t help but be thankful for how God has revealed Himself to me through this. Isaiah 43 has straight up been calling my name:
“But now this is what the Lord says – he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (v.1, 2)
The rivers won’t sweep over me. The flames won’t burn me. He is God and He calls me His.
Like I said, grief is a weird thing. I think right now it’s sort of a peaceful kind of grief. Maybe even hopeful. Or maybe it isn’t grief at all. Maybe it’s just a tearful acknowledgment of what I’ve lost – overshadowed by the promise that I haven’t really lost anything at all. Because my grams worshipped Jesus. The same Jesus who died on a cross and then rose again three days later. Jesus is alive and so is she! And that’s totally worth celebrating. Kinda makes me want to dance… until I remember that I can’t dance. So I guess I’ll just blog about it.. (: